Stress relief

My morning was packed. I took a late lunch today, grabbed a footlong at subway and headed for the park (camera in hand).
Unbelieveable how much this helps just taking time to take pictures.

I hope to post more at my photoblog later...

somebody get me OUTTA HERE!!!

SO...

job tickets done... check

work e mail done.... check...

kc busness card thingy done... check and might I add how wonderfully done they were...

Tribune flyer proof done..... check

lccu occu back pamphlets done.... check

all sanity gone... check

talon bridge thingy done.. check

photoshop a good friends head onto the body of a woman........ ahhhhh, there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

Lunch

1 med Dr pepper
1 med fry
1 6pc chickennugget
1 filet o fish
1 apple pie

1 visit to the doctor.

Tuesday blahs

blah blah blah.

(see?)

AAAAAANNNNNDDDDD........

That about does it for today.

I gotta learn to quit saying I'm bored cause it never fails; I get snowballed every time.
Two jobs left to do but I think I'll save them for tomorrow.

Sun finally came out...
took long enough.
I hope it's here to stay.
But I guess that's up to me.

Nice long weekend

I did it again.

10:00 am and finished with my work. Nelson is gonna be busy for a while.

weird that my weekend felt like it was long. I only woke up only because I got a phone call saturday "morning" from a certian little sister of mine who was quite unremorseful for getting me outta bed at 11:00, and who will also be on the receiving end of the tickle of her life when I see her next..... punk.

I really didn't want to get outta bed saturday as sleeps is providing quite a nice escape latley but the neighbors dog wouldn't shutup so I didn't really have a choice.... stupid dog.

So outta bed with nothing to do.. So I cleaned. and I cleaned and I cleaned. I love my vaccum. I got it at walmart along with just about everything else that I own. It's one of those spinning dirt thingys that looks like a wind tunnel. Anyhoo I found that I can get the whole apartment from one plug cause I opted for the one with the super long chord. If my vacuum was a guy, he'd be a total stud.

After that I went and played with my camera for the majority of the afternoon. I think I can safly say that it's a solid keeper. I finally figured out the shutter speeds and F stops so I'ma happy boy.

Then off to KC with some good friends. Ever heard of O'charlies? Me neither. But good food though.

Then to target cause T and T needed a curtian rod or something and then I almost walked into the ladies room. Hate it when that happens.

Hang out then home then bed then Sunday.

Church was cool.

Got invited to a Easter Supper that wont be soon forgotten. Played hide and go seek with a ten year old. Had a 2 year old facinated by the gel in my hair. And I havent eaten that well and waited on in that manner in a very long time. To my good friend: thank you so much for inviting me to spend Sunday afternoon with your family. Thank you for being so inviting. Your family made it so easy to have an immediate comfort zone. Supper was not only great but it was fun. I had the greatest time. It was great to see you again and I glad we had a chance to get caught up. Your brothers house was so cool. Thanks for goin easy on me playing pool. I hope we don't wait as long as last time to do that again.

Cure for the common cold

To all who are angry

To all who are sad

To all who are confused

To all who are hurt

To all who have been dissapointed


call your mommies.
you wouldn't believe how much it helps.

if you don't have one,
call someone elses.
moms have this instinct thingy reguardless if you are their kid or not.

kinda like how dads know everything (it's a given they just do so don't question it),
moms are the emotional guru's.

I've got mom's all over the place. None compare to my REALLY REAL mom.
But they love me like I was their kid.

To my mom and dad in Colorado.
I love you and thank you both for caring so much. You guys mean the world to me.

To my mom in Missouri. I love you. Tell you husband that I love Him too and I hope to make another hunting video soon.
Thank you both for caring so much.

To my many mom's in Kansas,
I love you and thank you for caring so much.

To my many mom's in Illinois.
I love you and thank you for caring so much.

To my Mother
I love you and thank you for being you. The talk last night rocked. I'll see you in a week.

Please pray for me.
The battle is not over but I'm done being a spiritual wuss.

questions

I'm not bitter.
Bitterness is drinking a poison and waiting for the other person to die.

But I remember. Is that wrong?
I remember the pain, because it's still here.
every birthday
every christmas
every thanksgiving

every april
everything I felt that second weekend
every feeling
every hurt
the darkness
comes back
the hurt the sadness the pain the doubt the fear the anger the rage the feeling of being complete and then having it striped away in a moment.

so does this make me bitter to feel this way?
he asked to be free.
he aksed of me forgiveness for the pain he has caused.

I gave it to him.

everytime I talk to him
everytime i see him
everytime i tell him i love him
everytime.

everytime i see him it reminds me of what we used to be.
my best friend
my hero
the man I wanted to be just like
the man who i thought had everything

but it wasn't enough
we wern't enough

I wasn't enough

sad -> anger -> rage

don't talk to me don't call me dont touch me don't look at me DONT TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME
it too hard for me to hear
I don't want to hear it.

but hey forgive and forget right?
this is life now and we just have to deal with it.

all of this
and two weeks til communion
unbelievable

Sun better come out soon

My attitude is terrible
I'm constantly angry all day
I couldn't pray last night because I don't know if God would hear a heart in the condition that mine is in.
I hate when april comes.
Every year it happens.
Since 97
I cant stop it
it wont go away
are my scars really that deep?
I have forgiven
I have loved
I have done all that I can do for him...
I have come MORE then halfway
I MAKE THE EFFORT
for what?

FOR WHAT!!!

For a email here and there?
to hear him say that he misses me?
to act like life is fine
nothing ever happened
these scars are not here
and life is perfect...

sure I can hide it,
i can pretend that,
is that what you want?
forgive and forget right?
even though it will sit in my face
for the rest of my life

no problem i can do that

whatever

the sun better come out soon
the anniversary haden't even hit yet.
gonna be a long month.

Nasty day

I don't even want to talk about it..

I had such a cruddy day that I decied that I deserved a present soooo...

I bought a digital camera with a credit card which means that I dont hafta pay money.

right?

I'm so happy!!!
I love me...

anyhoo so I had an escape with my new camera and now im in a better mood

2 Timothy 4:7- but i am not finished. not yet

Everybodys got a darker side right?
I mean sometimes it's buried pretty far from the surface.
but it's there..
That old dead man that I keep digging back up.
I am not haunted.
I live the life of the redeemed.
So is it an outside source?
There is no darkness in me
I am redeemed by the blood of the perfect one.
so where does this darkeness come from?
I search my soul,
all sins are confessed,
I know what I am not worth.
but I know the worth he puts on me.
priceless....

so whats the deal?
an attack?
so then I rejoice
for the battle is already one.
so why the darkness?
the battle is already one
but it is not yet over
I fight still
against self
I die daily
to be risen anew each day

a darkness has come
thank you Father
for your light
that I may see to fight
and never cease to fight

A clear piece to an intricate puzzle of nothing

It was late and I was sitting in my office above a busy street in a city that never sleeps. The traffic was as quite as child with three sets of lungs that was denied his usual icecream after sitting quietly while his mother was getting her hair done at the salon. It can be lonely in a city as big as this where a guy can be in the middle of a sea of people being tossed about in this thing we call a life, and still feel like the only one there. My only ally I keep near my heart.... in a holster that is. His name is beretta. My best friend is the bottle next to me, His name is dr pepper. My name is Guy Einsam, I’m a Private Eye.

I was closing up my last case when she came in. From the silloute on my smoked glass door I knew it was a dame. I knew that she had a mission and I knew that things weren't gonna be the same for a very long time. With knock she made her presence known.

“Doors closed but you can change that if you’d like”

“They said you could help.” The hollow planks of her high heels echoed on the hard wood floor and her perfume filled my office with I scent that it hadn't known In a long time.

“They say a lot of things, Doll, but doncha know? Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.” I wasn’t in the mood to take up another case. The last one went south from the get go, and I made a promise that I would too after it was done and the smoke cleared. I was thinking Belize. But vacations are not me and problems have a way of findin ya no matter were you go.

“I have got cash, and price isn’t an issue.”

Belieze can wait.“So what’s a girl like you doin in a place like this?” I had always wanted to use that line, now it seemed more of the story of my life. Her manners and her headcovering told me she wasn’t from around here.

“I’m here on behalf of a friend” she looked at her feet and I looked at her like I actually believed her. She was a terrible lier and the headcovering told me that it wasn’t a usual practice.

“So this friend of your’s needs answers, problem with those is they usually lead to more questions. Vicious cycle: this thing we call life.” I reached for the bottle and she sat down.

“You know that stuff will kill you. It just dehydrates your body and you should drink water.”

I was starting to not like this broad, she sounded like some other dames that I knew once upon a time. “my problems are mine sister, I don't hire you to fix mine, you hire me to fix yours.”

She gave me the kind a look that would melt a chunk of ice off the polar ice caps. That would lead to no good and neither would this look.

“I.... I mean my friend...she’s in love Guy.....”

I leaned back in my chair and looked at the ceiling fan as it spun slowly, mocking me as if to say “alls i gots to do is spin and what do you hafta do?”. I was wishen I was somewhere else, but she did have cash and she gave me company, I was low on both.

“Now that’s your friends fault” I smirked. Love, what the heck was that anyway?

“And now it’s your problem,” she retorted. She had spark. I liked that. She had a head covering. I liked that too. She had cash, and I was beginning to understand this love. “My friend is a jump now ask later sort. She follows her heart where it would lead. To you know what I’m talking about guy?”

“I would if I had a heart, kid.” My bottle was runnin dry and this conversation was gettin there too. I figured a trip to the dinner down the street would help both. “Wadda say we get some grub, kid.”

“Does this mean you will take the case Mr. Einsam?” Her eyes seemed to speak louder then her voice.

“It means that I need some food.”

TO BE CONTINUED.....
when I don't have as many job tickets on my desk......


ACT 1 SCENE 2 THE DINER
I hadn't been eatin real good as of late and I wasn't about to start now. "Coffee and a danish".

"Nothin for me thanks"

The waitress raised an eyebrow and went to retrieve the danish after she poured coffee. She was probably wondering what kinda nut jobs were doin up this late. Funny, I was wondering the same thing. I don't even like coffee. I stared at her and she stared at me. It started raining outside. I glanced out the window and saw my reflection and something else outside. Neither of them sat well in my gut.

I turned back those great big eyes across the table. "So you gonna talk or what?" Questions started goin through my head, who was this dame? What was she really after? What does any of it have to do with me? The most pressing one was how long it takes a waitress to get a danish.

"Guy?"

"what...."she didn’t exactly have my total attention cause I was sharin it with the fellas across the street standing by a black sedan. They noticed my glance. Bad deal. A gut twinge I used to feel while I was on “the force” came back. I hated that feeling. Something was very wrong and I wasn't talkin about the sorry excuse of a coffee that was in front of me. It was gonna be one of those nights.

"You out past curfew or wh..... ” I nodded at the car and the brusiers in the rain

“Guy, please......” the tone of voice told me that I had just got dumped into something that if I had a choice, I would take no part in. If I had a choice. With the brusiers walking into the diner, it looked like those were now luxury that I didn’t have.

“There youze are.”

Through the years of not caring, lookin out for number one, after....
after that day...
my instincts took over, Italian Male, 6’6”, ballpark 250 pounds, probably could handel himself in a fight. Looking a little bulky under his left arm. So he’s right handed and he’s packin.

“Yea, weez been lookin all over for yaz.”

Italian male 5’8” kinda skinny, same accent same facial structure. Probably brothers. Bulk under each arm. Crap.

“Me and the lady were just havin a talk.” I felt a huge hand on my shoulder. My mind was going a million miles an hour. My beretta was close. Guito here was closer. The dame was in the cross fire of the wiry guy. This wasn’t lookin good.

“Was I talkin to you?” I felt a shove back into my seat. In one smooth motion I knocked his right hand away with my left got back up and my gun was to his forehead.

“Bein’ a hero is over rated pal” I heard coming from behind the massive hulk of a guy I had my gun pressed against.

Skinny had the Girl and had his own best friend against her temple.

“You don’t want nonna this.” He wasn’t shakin, he wasn’t sweatin, and I was in deep.

“You love your brother?” I tried to put on a smile like I was crazy. I was starting to believe myself.

“Howd youze kn....”skinny started
“Shaddap Vinny!!”

Vinny? Vinny Dellamorte? This has got to be the worst day......
Dames. Never nothin but trouble...

“Here’s how it plays boys.” This wasn’t the first time in a tight spot but the feelings never change. I was as scared as cow standin in front of a meat packin plant. ”I kill you, vinny kills the dame, I kill vinny. I walk away. I doubt this sounds good for anybody. Let her go, and everybodys happy.”

A hammer being cocked back isn’t a plesant sound, specially if it’s one behind my head.

“I gots another solution to your problem....”

Instincts: Older Male Italian accent, Probably heavy bui....

The thud of butt of his gun announced that I had just been cracked my head and about to be introduced to the floor as rushed up to meet me.

as noises and lights faded away I remember thinkin “this is why I don’t get mixed up with dames.........”

chapter three: ouch

Belieze
I need help guy
I mean my friend
coffee and a danish
that stuff will kill you
what is love anyway
there youse are...guy
guy

guy

“Guy?”
“hey Guy?”

“do you think his dead?”

“Naw he’s still breathing. See his chest?”

“Let’s get him up”

The smell of the deep fryer in the back told me that I was in a diner. Next question where the heck was the diner? After that one gets answered I’ll see if someone got the license off the mac truck that drove over my head.

“Man Guy, I thought you bought it. Two against one aint never good odds.”

Frank? It’s Frank...“Hey Frank, you servin breakfast yet?”

“Man they got him good....”

“GUY WAKE UP!”

“what.. what? I’m here, what?” fuzziness beginning to clear up....

“Guy....they, they took her Guy.”

Reality hit with painful clarity. Including one very nasty gash in the back of my head. “I owe someone big for that one.” Emma brought an ice pack.”I thought I ordered a danish.”

“Yer welcome guy.” came a dry reply. She poor the coffee and they both just stared.

“What?”

“You come in here with one looker of a dame, two brusiers come in, ya almost have a fire fight, ya get get bonked, and you ask ME what?” The tone of voice told me that Frank wasn’t being funny. Good thing cause I didn’t feel like laughin.

“Those weren't brusiers Frank. They were Dellamorte family.” I could tell by the silence that Frank knew what I was talking about. I could tell by how much blood left his face that he knew that the grim reaper nephews were just in his diner.

“W...why are you alive guy?” His voice sounded like how I felt a few hours before. “To come all the way from the east district... and not off someone”

“Cause I wasn’t worth the bullet, or they didn’t want a mess. Either way...”

“Either way we need to get you outta here Guy. They’ll be coming back,you know this.”

I could see emma gettin that look in her eye. “Look I ain’t dead. Let’s just go over the facts.” Emma and Frank leaned closer. They loved this stuff, I liked it too. Ya learn to like something when it’s the only thing you can do. “This dame walks in says she’s in love.” I sat one that one for a bit. My head was splitting. It hadn’t stopped raining and the sound of the rind drops hittin the window turned into what might as well been cymbals an inch from my head.

“I got some aspirin guy. I don’t have many left, but I get you a couple. I don’t let go of them very easy ya know.” Emma was a tease. She was as tough as nails, as life in the big city can do that to a girl just trying to make her way. But she would be sweet.”Here ya go, guy.”

“Don’t let go of them easy......” The bash to the back of my head was wearing off and I was starting to see the pieces come together.

“you say something guy?” Frank had never took his eyes off me.

“She said she was in love....... the head of the Dellamorte family is where?”

I saw the look on Frank's face like he was on the edge of a thought. ”The east district right? The family operations are based in Bluffville.”

“You guys ever hear bout that rumor that they only import?” I was on the edge of a thought myself and this whole thing was beginning to make sense.

“Waddaya mean?” emma, bless her heart...

I sat back and switched hands on the ice pack on my head “I mean that people go in and they don’t come out and next time you see them they are beside some Bluffville mafia at some fancy banquet. She wanted out. She wanted out of Bluffville. That’s it. She wanted out. She didn’t want me to find out about anybody, she wanted me to find a way out.And somehow they found out about it, tracked her down, and got her back.”

It stopped raining and the sky was starting to change from it’s coal blackness to a shade of dark blue. Silence.

I could see by the look in emma's eyes that I wasn’t done. “So what you gonna do guy?”

You gotta be kidding me.... “I’m gonna go pack up my stuff. They don’t know how much I know but they probably expect the worse, and now I got my own life to think about.”

“You can’t just leave!”

“What Am I gonna do Emma Jean??? They own the whole town let alone half of the east district, and that Family has got connections everywhere!! Ya hear stuff in my line of work emma.”

“She could die Guy!!” The tears were coming. I hated those tears. I seen them once before. They stung then and they stung now.

“She shoulda thought of that before trying to go up against the Dellamortes. I look out for me, that’s all. I won’t be responsible for anyone else anymore, not after....” I saw emma stop cold. I glanced at Frank and he was lookin into his coffee.

“Guy is wasn’t your fault....”

don’t tell me that

“.... you couldn’a done nuthing”

“shaddap emma.....” I felt her hand on my shoulder....

“You can’t keep blaming yourself for the past.....” Frank stopped looking for whatever it was he was looking for in his coffee.

“I won’t do it again.... I wont be the hero anymore to anyone, you hear me?”

“She made her own choice Guy” emma looked into my eyes. “if you could turn back the clock and gave her a choice, she do it again.”

“The bullet was ment for me.....”

“and she took it cause she loved you Guy....”emma started to cry.

“It time you take the life she saved and use it to save another...save another, for her Guy” Franks arm was out stretched. A peice of paper was in his hand.

Slowly I took it.

Is it five yet?

Is it five yet?

Is it five yet?

Yet another typical monday

Lovin it.

am I stressed?
nope
am I frustrated?
nope
am I having the time of my life watching as every computer run machine in this company is glitching out?

you better believe it.



If nelson had hair, he'd be pulling it out right now and I have to admit that I am lovin it.... poor guy.

good thing about today is that there is little activivity in the sales office so there is nothing going on today.. almost..

most of the stuff just needed a flying drop kick to the head. FYI a flying dropkick to the head is otherwise known as a restart, but the visual of nelson drop kicking something is just too awesome to pass up so that's what I am gonna call it.

Nothing to talk about but all the time in the world to talk about it....
so let's see...

I got bored last thursday and read macbeth. Lessons learned were that you don't go killing everybody, it's just not a good idea. Even if the three weird sisters and the misguided wife say it's ok. Just don't.

Instead of my usual pop this morning, I'm finishing my dasani water with natural lemon flavor from last night. Natural lemon flavor? lets see the ingredients..

purified water
citric acid
sodium polyphosphates
potassium sorbate
potassium benzoate (to protect taste)
sucralose
magnesium sulfate
acesulfame patassium
potassium chloride
salt

um.... I think I'm gonna go get a dr pepper...

ya know...

Yeah I should be working right now but.... I was thinkin to myself, picking up from a previous thought that was once thunk while thinking about a totally different thought.

whoa....

anyhoo
I think it would be cool to be a fish. But not like little fish, I mean like a big honkin fish. One of those fish who never worry about being eaten by another fish. Like that big. But I wouldn't be a mean fish that eats people. I be a cool fish. One of those that are NOT slimy (yes they are out there) cause that would be gross. I would have the entire ocean to just swim around in. Sometimes I get in a mood where I just wanna go. Just get out and go and it doesn't really matter where as long as it not here. That'd be like perfect cause that's a big ocean out there. I think I would spend most of my time by the equator. I like being warm. (who doesn't?). Besides I think it would be cool to swim with the snorklers and stuff and they would like "hey, cool fish." I'm not sure what color I would be, but it wouldn't be just a plain color like all the other ones. But I wouldn't be like a pink color either. Pink fish? um lemme think no. Probably like a.... I don't know. Maybe I could be one of those that changes colors like a Caribbean reef squid (yeah I was gonna be a marine biologist, bet you didn't know that). I wouldn't stay there of course. I would follow the cruise ships and people would look over the side of the ship and be like "hey, cool fish". And I would follow them where ever they would go and it would be considered good luck if the cool fish follows your ship somewhere. I would probably follow the transatlantic freight shippers and they would love it because they would remember the legend of the the time that one of the bigger ships got caught in a really bad storm and all the instruments got fried and all they could see was this massive cool fish and they followed it outta the storm and into a safe harbor which actually turned out to be the exact harbor that they were trying to get to because the cool fish knew where they need to go because I had followed it many times before and hey, I'm not an idiot. And they would be like "hey, cool fish". So then I would cruise the Mediterranean Sea for a while cause I hear that it's cool there and then I would go all over the world and be known to all who travel the sea as the cool fish. When I got older I probably not get out as much. I would be seen less and less but the sailors would always keep their eyes to the horizon, looking for their friend, the cool fish. And when I was ready to die I would go find the deepest part of the pacific ocean and dissappear but no one would know I was gone and they would always be watching for me. My stories would be told through out the generations of mariners to their sons and to their sons.
I think it would be cool to be a fish.